Sex, Love, & Marriage V

What Kind of Love is This?

Published: January 31, 2024
Post updated: February 02, 2024
By: Brian C Jenkins

THE CRISIS

At sixteen, like Jacob, I was wrestling with God. I grew up in a Baptist Church and the NY public school system. I had accepted Jesus a couple of years prior, but after the fire wore down, I found myself hearing the whispers of demonic wisdom grow louder in my head. I loved Jesus but got caught up listening to secular rap music. The fruit from the seeds of pornography that was planted in me at seven began to rear its ugly head. Worst of all, a rage building up inside that didn’t align with my heart.

What happened to that young, innocent black boy who grew up in love with Jesus?

As the sun had just about finished hiding past the horizon on this particularly chilly evening, I walked back toward my parent’s house. The war, in my mind, was real. On the one hand, I heard many things from the world. On the other, I thought I must be crazy to go against God. I figured I would try God one more time. As I approached my parent’s house, I decided to go on a detour and keep walking toward my friend’s house. My Christian friend grew up in the same church I did, living down the street on the corner. His family often held bible study for the youth at their house. I figured that would be a safe haven to talk out my heart.

Granted, my wrestling with God took its toll on the people around me. I was a “class clown,” to say the least. I did things that people still bring up and talk about today. I couldn’t explain at the time why I was so different. I had no idea how to tell someone that I was hurting deeply inside due to the effect of my family life. I expressed myself in a uniquely wild way because I felt severely undervalued.

However, the thug life seemed so appealing. Being a gangster sounded so simple. The formula was straightforward. If I chase the demons, I will have money, fame, females, and value. It just felt like something wasn’t adding up. None of that formula seemed to be what God desires. And so I walked to my friend’s house, hoping to make a last-ditch effort to rely on God.

God, where are you?

Walking the quarter mile to his house seemed to take forever as it appeared in sight. My mind was at odds with making a decision. I walked up and knocked on the door. As the door opened, I saw my friend and a bunch of Christian kids from my age group sitting in the living room. I smiled, thinking, whew!

I said, “O, it’s time for Bible Study? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

He said, “Yeah, but you’re not invited.”

He closed his door in my face. Christians did this? I thought they were supposed to show love. Why would they reject me? Then, okay, if they think I’m worthless, I’ll get my value from the world.

I stormed back to my parent’s house. My mind was made up. The rage that I tried so hard to suppress became insurmountable. I couldn’t contain myself. The betrayal I felt was incomparable to any other feeling I ever felt. I busted into my parent’s house, slammed the door, and approached my parents in the living room.

I said, “Dad, I’m not going to church anymore. I’m not fake, and I won’t ride the fence. I won’t act like I love Jesus yet turn around and play in the streets. I’d rather turn my back on God because at least that way, I know he will find me in the darkness.”

My parents were stunned, and I was furious. That became the event that opened me up to drugs, alcohol, and, eventually, sex.

Twenty-three years later…

I’m sitting in a room with two men, the subject of a deliverance session. We began by praying, asking the Holy Spirit to shine a light on anything he wanted to heal me from. My mind made its way to THE CRISIS event at sixteen. After explaining the event, one of them began walking me through it.

He said, “Now what I want you to do, as you keep your eyes closed, where is God when you stood in front of the door at your friends’ house?”

I quietly surveyed the memory. I couldn’t find the LORD.

He asked me again, “Do you see God?”

“I can’t,” I said, ” All I see is the pain and betrayal. This was the beginning of a long road of betrayals.”

He asked me the same question several times, but my answer remained the same.

“Maybe we need to do something a bit unconventional. Let’s try something different. Tell God you forgive him for not being there with you.”

I hesitated. I began to stutter a bit. Even though I couldn’t see God within my memory, I couldn’t forgive God for not being there. How? God said in his Word that he is always with me. Therefore, there is nothing to forgive. So I told the man, “I can’t.”

“Why?” He said.

“Because the Bible says he is always with me.”

“Then let’s pray and ask God to show himself to you.”

The man began to pray for God to open my eyes. While he was praying, for the first time in all the years I thought this through, it was like God zoomed me out so that I could see an aerial view of myself standing at the door. Watching the memory pan backward, I saw an intense, lengthy, pure white light next to me. Out of that light, I saw Jesus with his hand on my back, loving me through the pain.

I watched myself storm down the road to my parent’s house. Jesus was right there with me, quiet, walking with me. He was there in my parent’s house. Watching compassionately as I cursed myself, turning my back to him.

When I saw him, I immediately realized I needed to ask for forgiveness. The guy said I needed to forgive myself for allowing myself to go against God and for pronouncing curses over my life out of anger. I did just that. That started a chain reaction within me that has left a residue of understanding the Heart of the Father.

Lessons from Love

He was there! He was there with me! My entire life has been comprised of the same equation. When I get hurt, I run or cause chaos. More bridges have been burning out of anger and ignorance than I care to share. Why? Out of rejection (worthless), betrayal (undervalued), or being ignored (lack of trust)? Since then, events continued to pile up, and these feelings grew. Eventually, I began shutting down emotionally. My ability to be compassionate and empathetic slowed to a crawl. Feeling unwanted became the norm, and feeling loved became a nightmare. My emotional state flipped upside down. I rejected God, and yet he loved me through it?

What kind of love is this? What kind of love is strong enough to hold us when we defy him? Through the rage and cursing? What kind of love will walk with us when we walk in pure ignorance and embrace the darkness? What is it about me that he loves so dearly when no one else would? Jesus showed me that the Father loved me so much; he saw me when no one else did. He loved me when no one else did. He loved me when I turned my back on him. He cared for me even when my sins piled up sky-high. I felt like the worst of the worst for so many years, and in many ways, I still do. Yet our Father continued to love me. He showed me grace when I only understood pain.

My earthly dad never showed this kind of love to me. I learned the same conditioning drill as most. If I didn’t comply, I got punished. Confusing discipline with punishment, I learned to get quiet. Never genuinely understanding the love of a righteous father. Instead, the habits of a misunderstood man, taught by lousy teaching, overtook his mind and bled into my family life. Yet I hold no ill will toward my dad. I forgive him for it all. At the end of the day, he was deceived, just like me.

God is so loving and gentle. He cares about us so deeply. One could argue how he could be considered loving when he allowed that much pain in my life? I would contend that had I not been allowed to go down that road, I wouldn’t be on fire, declaring the goodness of God today.

Please Notice

I couldn’t see Jesus in my memory until I spoke his truth into it. This is the importance of reading God’s Word. Committing as much as you can to memory by any means necessary. God uses his word to open up to us personally. His word is also what we need to break through the darkness. See Light and Dark.

True Love is not feeling. True Love literally is God. The Father’s love for us is strong, warm, and gentle. Learning more about God and how he loves is the key, not just to a successful marriage but also to be successful relationally. Stay tuned for the conclusion of this series, Sex, Love, and Marriage Part VI.

Fellow Christ Seeker, maybe you’re reading this, and something is jumping at you. Something resonates within your spirit. The pain of childhood events or the hurt of failed relationships have left you wondering where God is in everything. Brothers and sisters, I challenge you to get quiet and listen for the voice of the Lord. Remember the events that caused you to choose the world over God. Speak God’s truth in those situations and forgive.

If you need a safe place to discuss things further, please join the Christ Seeker Group on Facebook. And as always, find a Bible-based church in your local area. May God Bless you and yours!